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A Spartan Review

In Reviews on April 9, 2010 at 10:33 am

Kratos, preparing for some proper skull-fuckery.

The third and (definite) final installment of the God of War series has been released. By definite, I mean that there can be no fourth game following the story of the shunned, genocidal, and wholly unrelenting Spartan warrior Kratos. Why? Well, there can, but in which case Kratos needs to find a whole new pantheonic adversary to smite with his pubescent, gore-chains.

The game sets the bar as the great Titanomachy rages upon the craggy crevices of Mt. Olympus.  Man, turned champion, turned god, turned man-champion-god finds himself straddling the world-titan Gaia as he desperately seeks to conclude his bid for total deicide.

As Gaia, Kratos and the Titans close in on the epic confrontation with the head-honco Zeus and his divine cronies, treachery is revealed. Kratos is once again flung into the dark depths of Hades, stripped of his powers the ghost of Sparta must fight (or gore-fuck) his way to the top. Familiar? Yes, but since its on the ps3 and has been glossed-up to the ballsack with sweet hardware, I’ll happily rape my way through a classical host of divine gits for a third time in a row.

The gameplay is gob-smackingly brilliant. I sit prostrate, off my tweezers in awe of how every push of the square, rectangle or circle unleashes savage blow after savage, frikkin’ blow against the hordes of fantastical creatures that strive endlessly to stop the ash covered slaughterer of men. I squeal like a child giving birth to chocolate coins as I cripple and blind the god-bosses. After a meaty contest of wits, dexterity and retries, it all culminates into a phantasmagorical death scene where I, in a fit of Zen-enlightenment, leap to the air frantically masturbating my controller before ending their immortality with a series of chunky blows to the head. God of war. You make my day.

Yes, its good. Really good. If you haven’t played the first two installments I urge you to do so. If you have to scrape enough money together by becoming a junkies-bitch, do it now, I will be your patron. You will not regret it.
Still, after I had satisfied my visceral cravings and exacted righteous (or ill-conceived, depending on your perspective) vengeance against, uhm’, everyone, I felt a small sinking feeling inside my gamesoul. The way the writers handled the final installment of the game was not on par with how the game was executed. Not on par with how the rest of the series had developed. In some unexpected way, I feel that the final installment of God of War has betrayed me. Like a longtime partner that leaves you because he or she has fallen in love with a person who dresses up as an arctic wolf, I feel embarrassed on their behalf. Why did you suddenly add all these recycled elements in your game, Sony Santa Monica? Did you forget that Pandora’s box has already been used in the first game? Did you run out of sweet, ballin’ artifacts that aren’t chained-shit? What the hell is up with the crystal spider? Do you honestly want me to believe that sex is better with Mr. Arctic wolf over there? Slut…

The unmitigated bellicose and ostentatious endgame that God of War III strives to deliver, deserves an equally amazing story. It is here, amongst all the gritty flourish, aggressive action and spectacular gameplay that the game fails to convey a suitable epic scrawl that befits such a jaw-dropping recreation.

All in all, God of War III is awesome. It is worth playing just to experience the stupendous brilliance of the Playstation 3.
Just don’t expect the world from it, its still just a game, and in critical hindsight perhaps not the game it had the potential of being.

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